Last night I was reading a post from my favorite non fashion blog, The Katy Project. As I read, I stumbled upon a a couple paragraphs that really resonated with me.
A lot of us— myself included— ruin the greatest parts of our lives by worrying about when the next shit storm will roll through. We overanalyze and try to perform damage-control before the damage has even been made.
This type of behavior, however, is like carrying around an umbrella on an impeccably sunny day— bulky and unnecessary. We can’t keep living like this. (Click here for the rest of the post)
Before I get into the nitty gritty of why this struck such a cord with me, I kind of want put a disclaimer. I am not trying to get sympathy or pity from this post. I am not asking for some supportive comment of “oh, you’ll find someone someday”, “enjoy this time while you have it”, or “that’s nothing to worry about yet”. I already know all of those things and I agree with them… to an extent.
I am simply attempting to keep myself accountable with some things I’ve noticed about myself by putting my thoughts in writing(and in public). Also, if someone is able to relate and finds out that they’re not the only one who feels like this, that’s a bonus!
On with the actual post now. If you can’t already tell I am will be discussing my life when it comes to boys. Or lack there of. I might be slightly insane for posting about this on the internet for anyone to read but like I said earlier I think I kind of need to write this thought out. Basically, what I have come to realize recently is that there is a double edged sword to long term singledom.
I’ve pretty much been single my whole entire life. While it’s not something I’m necessarily ashamed about anymore, I’m not going to skirt around the fact that it’s not really normal for people my age. I know that I’ll eventually meet someone “when the time is right”. I am not sitting here in the dumps saying woe is me. However, with long term singledom comes a certain level comfort of literally doing everything on your own.
I’ve enjoyed a lot of things about not being tied down and have done a lot of independent things. I’ve moved across country all by myself, I’ve bought a car on my own, and I’ve made a lot of great friends. I love being able to truly do what I want to do when the weekend comes along. However, I have these fleeting moments where I think it would be nice to be taken on a date or have guy who I know truly supports me.
Since I all I know is being single, making decisions that keep me in that state of life are easier for me at this point in life. There have been plenty of guys who I have been interested in but for some reason I have this irrational fear of ever letting them know. I’ll tell every single one of my friends but I act like the world would end if I ever told the actual person I liked that I liked them.
I end up not putting out much of a signal at all that I’m interested. Half the time I’ll just act annoyed by the guy I’m interested in, yet still expect them to make the first move… that’s some fucked up logic if I do so say myself. I tell myself it’s okay if it never works out because I’m totally enjoying life on my own. Which isn’t lie… I really am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. But the kicker is, I talk myself into this way of thinking before I even do anything to give having a spark with said person possible. So when Katy talked about performing damage control before the damage even happens I was like “well shit… I do that”.
For some reason when it comes to guys I feel this need to perform damage control before I even have the possibility of being rejected by them. The weird thing is that I am willing to put myself out there in almost every other aspect of my life. Move across country where I know no one? No biggie. There are other things I’ve put myself out there for but the move is probably the biggest one which is why I fixate on it. It could have been really rough but here I am thriving. So why is it that putting myself out there for guys is more terrifying for me? I don’t have a good answer for that.
I am just trying to be self aware and figure out my thought process through writing. I do know that at some point I want to meet someone. But, how am I supposed to be open to that if I’m doing things that don’t even let people in? I’ve experienced rejection in other parts of my life so I got to get over the fact that a guy might shut me down if I let them know I’m interested. Life goes on. I’m not even just telling myself that. I know that in my gut… soooo time for me to get over it.
I’ll repeat that I’m completely chillin’ on my own. I am not at all worried about the whole marriage part of life yet. I just know that I wouldn’t be opposed to a long term relationship in the semi near future. I don’t think there’s any harm in trying to assess what part of my own behavior is affecting the different types of relationships in my life. I’ve always been a goal oriented person, so why not to dig deep to find areas I could have some growth?
I’ve talked about some of this with my friends before so this isn’t really a new realization of mine. It is the first time I am writing it completely out. Hopefully now, by having this posted I’ll actually act upon my self analyzing ways instead of just talking about the patterns I’ve noticed about myself.